Starting over....

After coming home the hospital, I think the only thing that saved my sanity was my three other children.  My youngest was only eighteen month old and I remember sitting in his room and watching him sleep and crying.  Thinking of the baby that I would never know.  I wondered what that baby would have looked like.  The sweet smiles I would never see, the giggles that I would never hear.  Having three other children reminded me of that daily.  The pain at times was unbearable.

To make matters worse, my family and friends would say the most hurtful things without even knowing that it was hurting me.  "Why are you so upset?  You have three beautiful children."  Or "It was meant to be", "Aren't you over it yet?", "Why would  you want more?"  All of these statements were like thorns in my flesh.  Each one more painful then the next.  I resented the way they were unintentionally making me feel guilty for grieving for the baby I had lost.  

I completely shut myself off from most of my friends and family.  The only contact I did have was with the ladies from the internet support group.  I felt like they were the only ones who truly understood what I was going through.  And to a certain degree they were.

And to make matters worse, my husband and I were fighting constantly.  All I kept saying was I was wanted to have another baby.  He thought I should be happy with the children we had.  This went on for what seemed an eternity, but in reality was only a couple of weeks.

During that time, it was like everything in my life was standing still.  And everyone else had gone on without me.  I was drowning in my pain and suffering and I couldn't remember how to swim.  And no one seemed to notice or care.  At least that is how I felt at the time.  That is why I was so thankful for the group.  They completely understood my pain and were there to comfort and support me, as I worked my way through that horrible time.  I guess you could say, they taught me how to swim again. 

After my post-operative check up my doctor scheduled an HSG (see ectopic facts for more information on this test) for the following month.  I was completely terrified that the test would come back saying my remaining tube was blocked.  But it didn't, my remaining tube appeared clear and I was given the go-ahead to try to conceive again.

After many hours of discussing our loss, my husband and I finally decided to try again.  I think he realized that if I didn't at least try, the scar would be permanently embedded in my soul.  So we took the huge step of trying again.

I have to say this was harder than I ever thought it would be.  Every month I would be worried.  If I was pregnant, would it be in the right place?  And if I wasn't pregnant, how would I deal with the disappointment?

It didn't take long to find out.  After only a couple of months of trying, I was pregnant.  I remember my heart skipping a beat when I saw that second line appear.  Memories of my last pregnancy came flooding back and so did my fears.  I immediately called the doctor and the blood tests were started.  From the very beginning I knew something was wrong.  I lost that baby to miscarriage.  Maybe it was too soon after the ectopic/surgery, and I needed more time to heal, I was told.  And sent home again.

I think what saved me after the miscarriage, was knowing that at least the baby had made it to the uterus.  That had to mean my remaining tube was open.  So although I was sad for the baby I had lost, I was given a gift as well.  The knowledge that I could conceive again in the right place.

The very next month, my period was late.  I didn't think that is was possible that I could be pregnant again.  I took the home pregnancy test late Friday afternoon.  Slowly the second line appeared.  I remember that I had been have a dull aching pain in my left side for a couple of days.  I called the doctor on call and he reassured me that it was far too early to be feeling pain, if it were an ectopic.  And yet I worried.  I went to the drugstore and bought more tests.  I couldn't believe that this could be possible.  And I was scared, it was too soon.  Would my body be able to handle another pregnancy now?

I did a test on Saturday, the line was getting darker, another Sunday, darker still.  My heart was filled with joy, but my head was telling me I should wait.

I called my doctor's office first thing Monday and was told to come in for blood test.  My first HCG levels were 320!  I thought that was a wonderful start.  On Wednesday my HCG level was over 1500.  I was starting to think maybe I was having twins (but I wasn't).  My third results were 3913, I was sent for an ultrasound that afternoon.  The sac could be clearly seen in the uterus, but it was too early to see a heartbeat.  I was told to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound.

At my next appointment, they could clearly see the fetal pole and a heartbeat.  Needless to say I was thrilled.  Although I was still worried about miscarrying or something else going wrong.  Which I now know is completely normal after a loss(es).

After a pretty much uneventful pregnancy, my daughter, Tessa Emily was born by c-section on November 22nd, 2000.  And she is truly my gift from above.

I do believe that if I hadn't gone on to have another child, I would have forever questioned my fertility.  And my previous losses would have been that much more painful in my memory.

With all my heart, I believe that our angels sent us new babies to help mend our broken hearts.  Whether it is through natural conception, IVF or adoption.

Never give up hope, because sometimes that's all you have.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.  And so are lots of other woman who completely understand what you are going through.  You can contact me by clicking the email link below.  I figure this is my way of giving back what was given me, understanding, support and love.

Tessa - One year old!

If you would like to contact me, click on the envelope below.

Graphics by